


Wolfram's Trip to the Megamall

by Zanganito



Category: Kyou Kara Maou!
Genre: Bad Poetry, Bad Puns, Crack, Cultural Differences, Gen, Innuendo, Revenge, Shopping, bishonens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-28
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2017-12-09 20:51:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zanganito/pseuds/Zanganito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miko wants to go shopping!  And Wolfram discovers something called a Megamall, much to Yuuri's dismay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Latte of Trouble

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Kyou kara Maou or make any money from this fanfic.
> 
> Author’s Note: This one is really silly, even by my standards. I hope you can enjoy it anyway.

Currently, Yuuri, Murata, Wolfram, Gwendal and Conrad were stuffed into the back of José’s car. 

They had left Günter back in Shin Makoku to tearfully compose a series of epic poems entitled His Royal Majesty King Yuuri Shibuya Shines like the Sun Even when he leaves His Most Faithful Servant Behind Once Again. The maids took bets as to how long it would take before Lord Wolfram burned the entire project to a crisp. 

José had picked them up from the airport and was driving to a meeting with Bob when it happened: Miko spotted a sign for a Megamall.

“Oh, it’s been so long since I’ve been to a mall,” Miko squealed, “Let’s stop and go shopping!”

José glanced at the clock. “I’m not sure if we have enough time.” 

Wolfram sat up in his seat. “Mall?” he asked. “What is this ‘mall’?” 

“It’s a building with a lot of shops inside,” Conrad tried to explain. “Like the market in Shin Makoku, but inside a big building.”

“And they have gorgeous dresses, and you can run around from store to store and they have all kinds of food,” Miko said while her eyes seemed to sparkle. 

“And it’s a good place to take a date,” Murata said with an evil smirk.

Wolfram turned to Yuuri, “As your fiancé I demand that you take me to this ‘mall’.”

Yuuri shrank away, “Ahhh hahah, maybe some other time, Wolfram,” he said. Murata sniggered and Yuuri started trying to elbow him in the ribs.

“Don’t be such a spoilsport, Yuu-chan,” Miko scolded. “Boys are so boring. They usually don’t like to go to the mall and go shopping with their mothers.”

“I’d like to go shopping with you, Mrs. Shibuya,” Murata said.

“Gee, thanks a lot Murata,” Yuuri muttered under his breath.

“Well, I guess maybe we could stop there just to take a look,” José said.

“You’re so much fun, Dr. Rodriguez!” Miko said while reaching over to give José an enthusiastic hug.

The car swerved as José struggled to keep his hands on the wheel.

-o0o-

Wolfram felt overwhelmed as he walked into the large building. He focused on trying to identify small things.

“Yuuri, what is this?” Wolfram asked while pointing at a contraption directly in front of him. It had a container of brightly colored spheres behind glass, and a maze of tubes down below.

“That’s a gumball machine,” Yuuri answered. 

“Gumball ma-?” Wolfram tried.

“Here, let me show you how it works.”

Yuuri placed a quarter in one of the slots. Lights flashed and one of the balls rolled down a spirally tunnel before landing out of sight. Yuuri picked the gumball up triumphantly and placed it in Wolfram’s hand.

Wolfram looked at the gumball suspiciously.

“It’s a type of candy,” Yuuri explained. “You chew it.”

Wolfram put the gumball in his mouth and started chewing.

“Looks like you finally found a way to keep Lord von Bliefeld’s mouth busy, Shibuya,” Murata quipped. “At least for now.”

Gwendal frowned.

“What?” Yuuri asked and scratched his head. Then it dawned on him. “Eww! Stop being such a pervert, Murata!”

Murata winked. “You’re the one with your mind in the gutter, Shibuya.”

“And whose fault is that?” Yuuri muttered to himself.

“Well, I’m off to buy some anime.” José gave them all a wave and a huge grin. “Make sure you all meet me back here at the front entrance of the mall in an hour, we don’t have much time.” 

Conrad smiled. “We should find a store that sells spices. I’m sure they have plenty of thyme.”

Several bystanders who had been unfortunate enough to hear the pun passed out and fell with a clunk onto the tiled flooring. 

“Hey, that’s a good one,” said José before walking away.

Yuuri face palmed. “Conrad…”

“Weller!” Wolfram roared, then coughed on his gum and spit it out onto his hand. “Yuuri, what kind of candy is this? It’s very difficult to eat, I still haven’t been able to finish it,” he said, waving the gum in front of Yuuri’s face.

“You’re not supposed to eat it, you’re supposed to …-GAH!” Yuuri exclaimed as Wolfram brushed his fingers up against Yuuri’s hair.

“Yuu-chan, stop fooling around,” Miko scolded.

“But mom, Wolfram stuck his gum in my hair,” Yuuri whined.

Wolfram pulled his hand back. “Wimp,” he raged, “Why did you give me this sticky candy?”

“You‘re supposed to keep it in your mouth, not stick it all over people!” Yuuri said as he tried to pry himself loose.

“You’re really stuck with him now,” Conrad said.

-o0o-

After Murata had found some peanut butter and they had gotten untangled, Miko ran off with Murata and Gwendal to do some shopping.

“Boy, this trip has really gotten off to a good start,” Yuuri said sarcastically.

Wolfram frowned at Yuuri. “Yuuri, aren’t you supposed to buy me things?” he asked dangerously. “Isn’t that what the Great Sage said you go to a mall with your fiancé for?”

“Eh? I think you have that confused,” Yuuri paused, seeing the dark glare that Wolfram was sending his way. “But of course I could buy you things anyway! Let’s see…hmm… you like sweets, right?”

“Yes,” Wolfram replied slowly, “But I did not like those…gumballs.”

“Ahahahaha.” Yuuri scratched the back of his head. “Nothing you can make a mess with then.”

He glanced around until he noticed a coffee shop. Yuuri brightened up. “You like coffee, right, Wolfram?”

Wolfram folded his arms. “Hmmph! You’d know the answer to that question if you paid attention last time you bought me one,” he said, but looked pleased.

Yuuri ran over to a nearby coffee shop, and brought Wolfram a double mocha latte with whipped cream and sprinkles on top.

Wolfram accepted the drink happily.

Conrad’s eyes sparkled. “Now Wolfram knows how to get into a latte trouble.”

Yuuri groaned. “Conrad…wait, do you want something?”

“I’m fine, your Majesty.”

“My name is Yuuri!”

_“…Yuuri.”_

Wolfram finished his sugar-coffee. “Wimp, buy me another,” he royally ordered.

“I’m not a wimp, either! Geez, you’d think one of you guys would know my name by now.”

“Yuuri, buy me another coffee,” Wolfram amended.

“What’s the magic word?”

Wolfram scowled. “Do it now.”

“Hahaha, I guess that works too.” Yuuri took Wolfram’s cup and ran off to get a re-fill.

After his second cup of coffee Wolfram shoved his empty cup into Yuuri’s hands. “Yuuri I want another one.”

Yuuri had a ten second flashback to a mini-Miko explaining the dangers of coffee on a growing body. _(Yuu-chan, coffee is for grown-ups and stressed-out college students. A growing boy should drink his milk. You want to grow big and strong, don’t you, Yuu-chan? But then again if you stay tiny for the rest of your life maybe your angel wings will always fit,” mini-Miko mused with a sigh. Children grow up much too quickly…)_ Emboldened by the advice of mini-Miko, Yuuri decided to impart some sage words of wisdom. “Wolfram, too much caffeine will stunt your growth.”

Wolfram narrowed his eyes. “Yuuri, are you saying I’m short?”

“No, haha, of course not.” Yuuri laughed nervously. “I was just thinking that after so much coffee maybe you would be done for the day.”

Wolfram was not impressed, but his caffeine-sugar high was starting to kick in, and he found it hard to stay angry. “After you get me another coffee, get one for yourself, and Conrad,” Wolfram said, since he was feeling generous.


	2. More Trouble

With pools of deepest onyx,  
Framed by delicate feathery raven locks,  
It is no wonder that others gaze at you in awe.  
Staring at your noble visage  
Whether you be studying or fleeing,  
Never fails to warm my soul,  
Oh, Majesty!

In all the world there is no gem,  
Demonic artifact or precious stone,  
That could compare to the nobility,  
Kindness, passion, and tranquility,  
That emanate from a single flicker of your eyes.  
What a treasure to have you so close,  
Oh, Majesty!

To have you with us here forevermore,  
Is the only request of your loyal subjects.  
Every day we bask in your kind, cheerful demeanor.  
And when you are gone, we await your return,  
Coarse, depressed, dried out with tearful eyes,  
Like the desert plants await the rain.  
Oh, Majesty!

\- Excerpt from _His Royal Majesty King Yuuri Shibuya Shines like the Sun Even When He Leaves His Most Faithful Servant Behind Once Again_ by Günter von Kleist.

-o0o-

Wolfram belched loudly as he walked out of The Candy Shoppe. “That was pretty good, wimp,” he admitted.

Yuuri stomped his feet and his eyes flashed. “How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not a wimp!”

Wolfram lazily scratched the back of his neck. “Just stop being one then.”

“Right,” Yuuri grumbled under his breath.

Wolfram glanced around. “Where to next? I’m done eating, so no more food.”

“Uh, let’s see, we could just walk around. That’s fun, right?”

Wolfram’s eyes narrowed. “Walk around? Aren’t you going to buy your fiancé clothing or jewelry?”

“I’m not made of money!” Yuuri protested.

“Yuuri” Wolfram growled. “The Great Sage said you must buy me things at this place. That’s one of your Earth customs, isn’t it?” 

“This is getting out of hand. Murata was just kidding! Besides, there are more important ways to show you care about someone than buying them things, right Conrad?”

Wolfram snorted dismissively. “That sounds like something a cheapskate would say.”

Yuuri decided that giving in to Wolfram was less of a headache than arguing with him. “Fine, we can go clothes shopping.”

Wolfram found that Zara was far too plebian for his taste. Yuuri considered pulling his hair out or banging his head against the wall, but decided that such melodramatic actions would just get him called a wimp again. Finally, they found a small upscale clothing store that was suitable for Wolfram’s tastes. Wolfram started browsing a display of scarves.

“Here Wolfram,” Conrad said. “Why don’t you try on this green scarf? Mother always said that green brings out your eye color.”

Wolfram picked up the scarf and held it up. “Hmmph, I suppose this might be acceptable. What do you think, Yuuri?”

“I, ah, um…” Yuuri scratched his head. “Yeah that looks good.”

“Wimp! You need to be more decisive.” Wolfram held up a blue scarf. “Which one of these looks better?”

Before Yuuri could answer, Dr Rodriguez showed up with a bag full of comics and action figures. “Hey, how is it going?” he asked.

Conrad smiled. “Wolfram is clothes shopping,” he said pleasantly.

“That bad, huh?”

Wolfram paused in his comparison of scarves to give José a dirty look.

José ignored Wolfram and turned to Conrad. “We still have some time before we have to leave the mall. Do you want to go get a drink?”

“Wolfram and I have already had coffee.”

“I meant a more adult drink,” José whispered.

Conrad glanced at Yuuri and the shopping Wolfram. “That sounds…agreeable.”

Yuuri looked up as Conrad and José headed out of the store. “What?! You’re just going to abandon me here all alone?”

I’m sure you’ll survive, Yuuri. Besides, you have Wolfram.”

“Yeah, wimp.” Wolfram waved a fist in front of Yuuri’s face. “How could you forget about your own fiancé?

 

-o0o-

Miko squealed with glee as she saw the display in the shop window. “Ohh, they have Christmas decorations already! Let’s go shopping in this store!”

Gwendal stared at the miniature reindeer, snowmen, bunnies and birds in the display. A faint blush colored his cheeks.

“C’mon, Lord von Voltaire,” Murata said while grabbing his arm. “They have even more cute things inside the store.

Gwendal stepped inside the store, and immediately paused as there were even more cute animals. Murata tugged on his sleeve and frowned. It seemed that the concentration of cuteness was overwhelming. Murata tugged harder, and Gwendal took one step, glanced at a tiny bird, and blushed.

Tug.

Step.

*Blush*

In frustration, Murata left Gwendal to stare at a fuzzy sweater with attached reindeer and bells.

Miko squealed in delight from the back of the store. “Oh, they have such cute Christmas dresses! 

“I can help you compare dresses, Mrs. Shibuya,” Murata offered.

“Oh would you? You’re such a kind boy, Ken-chan. I’m so glad you’re friends with Yuu-chan.”

“My pleasure,” said Murata. He picked up one of the dresses. “I can model this one for you if you want.” Murata gave Miko a deceptively innocent smile. “It’s easier to see how a dress looks when someone is wearing it.”

“Ohh, you’re so much fun!” Miko squealed. “I hope Yuu-chan learns a few things from you.”

 

-o0o-

After Miko finished her shopping, she headed to the front of the mall followed by Gwendal and Murata who both carried her purchases. 

“Yuu-chan, over here!” she shouted when she caught a glimpse of Yuuri and Wolfram.

Then they all gathered together and started comparing shopping experiences. Or at least Miko did. “Oh, and look, Yuu-chan! Ken-chan helped me pick out some Christmas ornaments. Aren’t they adorable?”

Gwendal blushed slightly when Miko held out the reindeer with bells.

Wolfram yawned. He was bored and decided to wander off on his own for a while. He had remembered seeing a public bath around here somewhere…

A short time later, Wolfram spotted the public bath. It was surrounded by short bushes and flowers, and had a tall fountain in the middle. Coins glinted at the bottom of the pool.

He was tired, and he still felt a little sticky. Wolfram looked at the public bath and wondered why no-one else was bathing. Perhaps they were in too much of a hurry?

He experimentally dipped a finger into the water. It was cool and refreshing. Wolfram removed his jacket, shoes and trousers, and set both feet into the water.

People pointed and stared. What, had they never seen a noble use a public bath before? _Plebeians._ Wolfram tossed and flipped his golden hair dramatically, and a few spectators fainted.

A short time later he heard some shouting that sounded suspiciously like Murata saying “Shibuya, get over here before Lord von Bliefeld gets us all arrested for indecent exposure!”

“WOLFRAM!” Yuuri shouted. “Why are you trying to take a bath in the water fountain?”

“WIMP!” Wolfram roared back. “This is obviously a public bath.”

“No, it’s not!” Yuuri frantically shoved Wolfram’s clothes at him. “Here put your clothes on quick, it’s time to go anyway.”

Wolfram eyed the now damp clothing distastefully. “I haven’t finished my bath. Those clothes are wet now, send them to be dried.”

“It’s your own fault if they’re all wet. Just put on your clothes and let’s go.”

“Wow, I didn’t think I’d get to hear you say that for at least a few more years, Shibuya.”

“You’re not helping, Murata,” Yuuri said as he yanked a grumpy Wolfram out of the water.

Murata grinned. “Oh, but it’s so much more entertaining to watch you try and solve this on your own.”

Five minutes before the security guard would have showed up, Yuuri and Murata dragged a grumpy soaking wet Wolfram out to the car where José and the others were waiting.


	3. A Meeting with Bob

In a verdant meadow far from here,  
.  
Wandering over the grassy hills,  
A lone double black stops his travels to rest his feet.  
Noble and kind is he,  
To undertake such a journey for his people.  
.  
Your loyal subjects will wait for you,  
Oh, Majesty!  
Until the day you return.  
.  
\- The dramatic ending to the epic poem, _His Royal Majesty King Yuuri Shibuya, 27th Maou of Shin Makoku Shines like the Sun Even when he Leaves His Most Faithful Servant Behind Once Again_ by Günter von Kleist. Unfortunately, most of the project was lost in a mysterious fire several days after it was written.

-o0o-

 

“Oh, Wolf-chan, you’re all soaking wet!” Miko exclaimed.

José looked at his watch. “What are we going to do? We’re already late for the meeting with Bob as it is.”

“I know,” squealed Miko, “Today at the store I bought this cute red Christmas dress because it looked like the kind of dress I would buy for my daughter, if I only had one, but it’s about Yuu-chan’s size, and it might fit Wolf-chan.”

“Mom,” Yuuri groaned. “Stop buying me dresses, I’m not a girl. And Wolfram shouldn’t have to wear a dress either.”

“Who said the dress was for you, Shibuya?”

“Murata…” Yuuri started. “Never mind, I don’t even want to know.”

“Maybe we should have brought Yozak,” Conrad quipped. “He likes dressing up.”

“Yozak wouldn’t fit into that!” Yuuri imagined the muscle-bound man trying to squeeze himself into the tiny dress and decided that type of image could safely be filed under Things That Will Mentally Scar You for Life.

“I’d rather wear my wet clothes than that thing,” Wolfram said with a sniff.

Conrad smiled. “Suit yourself.”

-o0o-  
José was a responsible drinker and let Miko drive. A few minutes later he wondered if that was such a good idea.

“Oh this is so much fun!” Miko said as she sped out of the parking lot. “I haven’t driven a car in such a long time!”

“I’m sure it is,” José said, checking to make certain his seatbelt was securely fastened. “Turn here,” he instructed.

With a screech of tires Miko complied. “Oh look, there are even more stores. Do you think we have time to stop again?”

“Well, I don’t know, we’re already pretty late…”

“I’m sure Bob won’t mind.” Miko turned around to face the back seat. “Would anyone like to stop and get ice cream?”

Yuuri panicked. “Ah, Mom! Watch the road! And it’s too cold out to eat ice cream!”

“Yuu-chan!” Miko scolded. “You shouldn’t shout in a car. It’s very distracting for the driver.” Then she turned around in her seat again and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As the car careened around another turn, Wolfram covered his mouth and made a gagging noise.

“Oh, no!” Yuuri tried to scoot as far away from Wolfram as possible. “Don’t tell me you get car-sick too!”

“How would I know that, wimp?” Wolfram asked weakly.

“I guess Wolfram ate too many sweets,” Conrad said.

Wolfram turned green at the mention of food.

Murata realized he would also end up being in the line of fire, so to speak. “Mrs. Shibuya, could you stop the car for a few minutes?” he asked.

Miko pulled over, and they all got out for some fresh air. Wolfram dry heaved a few times, but didn’t vomit.

“Why don’t you try sitting up in the front, Lord von Blielfeld?” Murata suggested. “Sometimes that helps with car-sickness.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” Yuuri said, eager to not be used as a barf bag.

“Cheater! Wolfram yelled. “You better not try anything funny while I’m in the front.”

“Geez, can’t you relax for five minutes?”

Miko giggled. “Come on, Wolf-chan, you can sit next to me.”

Wolfram grumbled a bit and sent Yuuri suspicious looks every so often, but eventually they ended up at Bob’s place without further incident.

 

-o0o-

Bob glowered at the group from behind a stack of paperwork. “You’re late.”

“Well, we took some time for a cross-cultural learning activity,” José explained.

“Hmm.” Bob did not look impressed.

Bob glared at Wolfram who was squeezing droplets of water onto the floor. “Get him some dry clothes.”

“I already have dry clothes for Wolf-chan,” Miko offered.

“Fine, then,” Bob said. “Let him get changed.”

“Come on, Wolf-chan.” Miko excitedly took out the dress and some hair ribbons. “I can do your hair for you too.”

Wolfram scowled, then decided he might as well give in. You couldn’t win against mothers when they were determined. Before he was dragged away by an enthusiastic Miko, he turned to Yuuri and said, “Wimp, you’ll pay for this later.”

Yuuri’s eyes bugged out. “How is this my fault?”

Wolfram ignored Yuuri’s protest. “You can take me on another shopping trip later, since the only thing you bought for me this time was one green scarf.”

Yuuri wasn’t especially looking forward to another shopping trip with Wolfram, but it sounded better than being chased around the castle or getting knocked down a flight of stairs again. Maybe Wolfram was trying to let him off easy this time. “Uh, ok,” he said.

-o0o-  
Wolfram sat down in his chair. A bell in his hair jingled. The edge of the fluffy skirt brushed against his knee. He stared down at the floor and scowled.

Murata elbowed Yuuri. "Shibuya, maybe you should get Lord von Blielfeld another outfit like that. A green one would look better. You could dress him up as one of Santa's elves, the grumpy one."

"Grumpy was one of the dwarves, not an elf. Anyway, Murata, why are you staring at Wolfram?"

"Jealous, Shibuya?" Murata teased.

"What?" Yuuri blushed. "Haha, no of course not!"

Wolfram could sense the occasional amused glance as he continued to stare at the ground. How dare they laugh at him! Then he had an idea. He would make them all pay later. Wolfram smiled to himself as he started plotting his revenge.

He hoped Yuuri had a lot of money. And he wondered what kind of dresses would look good on Conrad and Gwendal. Yuuri's mother would probably know. Maybe he would have to make several trips to the mall. Wolfram smirked.


	4. Revenge Plots and Cookies

Every morning when I rise;  
I wipe the tears from my eyes,  
Arduous and bitter are my sighs.  
Another night has come and gone,  
The curtain has been raised and drawn,  
And still his Majesty is GONE!  
.  
Oh, Majesty!  
.  
O cruel fate! Oh wretched state!  
.  
Why must the sun still shine;  
Oh so clear and merrily through,  
Dancing upon the glass window of my room?  
Why must the flowers yet bloom,  
The bees still buzz, the songbird sing?  
While we mere mortals feel the heart-wrenching gloom,  
Wretchedness and all-oppressing doom,  
Of the absence of our beloved Maou!  
.  
Oh, Majesty!  
.  
-The Lament of Günter from Interlude II.b of _His Royal Majesty King Yuuri Shibuya, 27th Maou of Shin Makoku Shines like the Sun Even when he Leaves His Most Faithful Servant Behind Once Again_ by Günter von Kleist

 

It was late when they got back from the meeting at Bob’s place, but Miko decided there was still time to bake Christmas cookies!

“Oh, Yuu-chan, let’s teach all your friends from Shin Makoku how to decorate gingerbread men!”

“Mom! I’m too old for that stuff now!” Yuuri complained.

“It’s Mama, Yuu-chan,” Miko corrected. “And baking cookies is always fun.”

“That sounds like an excellent idea, Mama-san,” Murata said while grabbing a pink frilly apron from a kitchen drawer.

Miko giggled and started collecting the ingredients from the cupboard. “Aw, you’re so much fun, Ken-chan!”

Gwendal blushed and stepped forward to help with the baking. Wolfram was still in a sour mood after his Megamall-public-nudity-crossdressing adventure, and huffed and sat down on the couch to watch some television. Although Wolfram had been perplexed by the TV at first, he quickly warmed up to that particular Earth invention.

Yuuri paused and glanced around. “Hey, Murata, where did Conrad go?”

“I think he and José are playing doctor,” Murata said with a suggestive wink.

“What?!” Yuuri shouted. “Never mind, I don’t want to know.”

“Don’t shout inside the house, Yuu-chan,” Miko scolded, pouring sugar into a mixing bowl.

“Yeah, Shibuya, if you make loud noises the cookies won’t rise,” Murata said, grinning from ear to ear and pouring milk into the mixture.

A flurry of flour and baking powder later, the cookie dough was forming into a lumpy ball. Gwendal dutifully stirred some more, kneading all the lumps out. Then he put the dough on the counter and started rolling it out.

“WIMP!” Wolfram shouted from the couch. “Either keep your fiancé company or help with baking.”

“You’re not helping either,” Yuuri pointed out.

“Shibuya, think about what you’re saying,” Murata whispered.

“FINE!” Wolfram roared. “I will bake cookies too!”

“What a great idea Wolf-chan,” Miko squealed with glee, “It’s so much more fun when everyone bakes!”

Gwendal twitched, and moved a hand protectively over the kitty-shaped cookie he had just made.

For the next twenty minutes the kitchen was full of laughter, fighting, shouting, complacency and accusations. By the end of it all, Miko proudly put the cookies in the oven to bake. They all agreed that they’d ended up with 35 adorable cookies, 40 cute cookies, 15 mediocre cookies, and 10 misshapen monstrosities that could probably be sent to a Museum of Modern Art.

Wolfram was not amused by the classification of his cookies. He angrily turned to Yuuri. “Cheater! If I didn’t have to watch you all the time, my baking would be better than my brother’s!”

 

.

Later, after everyone had their sugar cravings satiated, Wolfram returned to the couch. Murata helped clean the kitchen to Miko’s immense delight. Afterwards, he walked over to the couch when no-one was looking and thrust a magazine into Wolfram’s hands.

“Here, you might find this interesting, Lord von Blielfeld,” Murata said with a conspirational wink.

Wolfram looked at the magazine, _Weekly Bishonen_. He considered thwacking Murata over the head with the gaudy abomination, until he glanced at the featured articles. _Make Your Bishonen Hair Even More Sparkly!, 12 New Bishie Styles!_ and most importantly _Miffed? Plot Your Evil Bishonen Revenge Now!_ He looked over at Murata. Interesting. The Great Sage didn’t take sides, but would often aid in the causing of trouble. Wolfram smirked and wondered if he could exploit that tendency later. In the meantime, he sat down on the couch to read.

“Hey Wolfram, do you know why the melons were sad?”

Wolfram looked up from his Bishie magazine to stare at his brother. “What are you talking about, Conrad?”

“It’s a joke José told me, trust me, it’s hilarious,” Conrad said, chuckling in anticipation of his own joke.

“Conrad, how can melons be sad?” Wolfram asked. “Wait, is this innuendo?”

“No it’s not, it’s really funny, trust me. You won’t believe how funny this is -haha!” Conrad paused to catch his breath. “They were sad, because they cantaloupe! Get it? Can’t elope!” Conrad laughed loudly at his own joke.

Wolfram fell forward onto his Bishie magazine and crumpled a few pages. He decided to go back to plotting his revenge. Wolfram wondered if Conrad would look better in a frilly blue dress or a frilly pink dress. Wolfram decided against the pink dress, Yozak would probably just steal it. And according to the Bishie article on Choosing Colors for Your Complexion! blue was more Conrad’s color anyway.

Wolfram heard Conrad telling the same joke to Gwendal in the kitchen and sighed. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to get revenge on Conrad after all. Sometimes his brother had absolutely no shame.


	5. Wolfram Plots his Revenge

-  
First, you must make certain that your looks are impeccable. What good is revenge if you can’t look drop-dead gorgeous while getting some? Comb your hair until it shines. Primp. Use only the finest oils and perfumes for bathing. Use a mirror to practice that smoldering look you’ll give the one foolish enough to anger you. (And if you happen to live with your object of revenge, this step has the added bonus of annoying them by limiting their access to the bathroom. Don’t worry, they deserve it.)

-Excerpt from _Plot Your Evil Bishonen Revenge Now!_

 

\--

Shouri walked down the hall, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He frowned when he approached the bathroom. The first thing his mind registered was Yuu-chan is home! This was quickly followed by: …and he brought all his friends. For some reason they were all lounging around in the hall near the bathroom door. Shouri pushed past. “Good morning, Yuu-chan, I have to get ready for work,” he mumbled.

“Hey, wait your turn, Shouri!” Yuuri yelled.

“What?” Shouri paused in front of the closed door. “Is someone in there?”

Conrad smiled. “Wolfram is using the bathroom,” he said as if he were describing today’s weather forecast. ( _Rainy, with a chance of bishonens hogging the bathroom, so make sure you rise early!_ )

“Is he?” Shouri asked, his face darkening. “We’ll see about that.” He pushed forward again to pound on the door. “Hey! Hurry up in there! People are waiting!”

-

Wolfram gazed at his reflection in the mirror, and ran the comb through his golden locks once more. Not that he ever needed to practice being good-looking, but it couldn’t hurt. His hair looked shinier already. He lowered his lids and gave the mirror a covert emerald-eyed glance that surely would have cured any disease the mirror had, if the mirror had been human. Wolfram lounged by the sink, bringing up one leg and posing suggestively. He studied his reflection and perfected his pose.

His contemplation was interrupted by pounding on the door. _“Hey! Hurry up in there!”_ someone shouted.

Wolfram scowled at the door and resumed his primping, restyling his hair once more. That magazine the Great Sage had given him had certainly come in handy.

-

“Geez, why is Wolfram taking so long?” Yuuri asked, banging his head against the wall.

“He must be taking care of number one,” Conrad said with a smile.

Yuuri groaned. “Conrad…” 

“And number two,” Conrad finished.

There was a thump, and bang, and a swishing sound from inside the bathroom. Then there was a click of a lock, and the bathroom door swung open to reveal a red-faced sputtering Wolfram. “Weller!” Wolfram roared. “How dare you tell such obscene jokes in the Maou’s house!”

“Good morning, Wolfram,” Conrad said. “I see you look refreshed. Have you finished using the bathroom?”

Without waiting for an answer, Shouri pushed pass. “I’m going to be late for work,” he grumbled as he slammed the door.

“Hey, you cut the line, Shouri!” Yuuri yelled as he started pounding on the door.

“Yuu-chan! Shou-chan!” Miko yelled from downstairs. “Stop playing around and be polite to our guests!”

“But ~mom~,” Yuuri whined. “Wolfram was hogging the bathroom.”

“It’s mama, Yuu-chan,” Miko corrected. “And get down here and eat your breakfast before it gets cold.”

 

\--

Second, use your deceptively sweet nature and disposition (combined with good looks of course!) to manipulate those around you to do your bidding. It’s best to be discreet and indirect. 

Always remember: those who surround you are your pawns. Use them accordingly.

-Excerpt from _Plot Your Evil Bishonen Revenge Now!_

\--

 

After he finished breakfast, Wolfram decided it was time to put part two of his bishonen revenge plot into action. He turned to Murata. “Take me to the…mall again,” Wolfram demanded without preamble.

“I have a better idea, Lord von Blielfeld. Do you know what online shopping is?”

“On…..uah….shopping?” Wolfram tried. “What is that? Is it like a mall?”

“It’s better than a mall. For buying things that is. Malls are better for hanging out with people and buying over-priced food.”

“Hmm,” Wolfram paused deep in thought. “I demand that you take me to this…on shopping.” He folded his arms. “And if it is not satisfactory, I demand that you take me to a mall again.”

“We don’t have to go anywhere, we’ll just use Shibuya’s brother’s computer.”

Yuuri almost choked on his scrambled eggs. “Murata! You can’t use Shouri’s computer without asking!”

Murata placed a hand on his friend’s arm. “Relax, Shibuya. He doesn’t have to know. Besides, wouldn’t you rather have Wolfram find what he wants online instead of taking another trip to the mall?”

Yuuri paled. “I, uh, guess you’re right, Murata.”

“Excellent, we’ll be upstairs. You can join us later if you want.”

Wolfram cautiously followed the Great Sage upstairs and watched as he sat down at an invention that resembled a television, but beeped and showed text in Yuuri’s language rather than moving pictures. After a few clicks and explanations, Wolfram learned that clicking on pictures and words on something called the “internet” eventually led to buying actual clothes. He selected an outfit for Conrad. And a lacy gaudy one for Gwendal. He also noticed a scarf that he liked, and a few gifts for his mother and Greta, which he commanded the Great Sage to purchase.

“Now all you have to do is check out,” Murata explained as he clicked another button.

“Check out?”

Yuuri entered the room. His eyes bugged out when he saw the price on the screen. “Murata, how is he going to pay for all that?” Yuuri demanded.

“We’ll just borrow Shouri’s credit card,” Murata said.

“Ahh!” Yuuri screamed. “You can’t do that, it’s illegal!”

“Calm down, Shibuya. I’m sure Shouri won’t mind. It’s for his favorite brother’s fiancé after all. If you can’t support your fiancé’s shopping needs, your brother should at least.”

“Yeah, that’s right, wimp,” Wolfram agreed.

“Are you trying to get me killed by my own brother?”

“I’m sure he won’t even notice,” Murata said with a grin.

 

\--

The next day, Conrad cleaned the house, Gwendal baked, Miko exclaimed how lucky she was to have men who liked to cook and clean visiting, and Wolfram spent some more time learning how to use the computer. Murata decided to teach him the all important art of playing the computer game. Yuuri walked in on the middle of a sims marathon.

Wolfram turned. “Yuuri! What kind of disgusting game is this? I tell these people what to do, but they just get angry and urinate on the floor. It’s disgusting.”

Flies buzzed around the trash Wolfram’s sims had accumulated.

“You’re supposed to take care of them,” Yuuri groaned. “Murata, didn’t you even teach him how to play the game?”

“But it’s more fun this way, Shibuya. Wolfram’s already had three sims die of spontaneous combustion.”

“How is that even possible?”

Just then, Wolfram’s sim, John Greene peed on the floor for the 1,000th time. His indicator light turned such a dark shade of red that John turned into a fireball and exploded. 

“Another one?” Wolfram slammed the mouse down and pounded the keys in disgust.

"That's number four!" Murata narrated.

“I didn’t know they could die that way,” Yuuri said, scratching his head.

“Lord von Blielfeld has a way with the game,” Murata quipped.

On screen, Elizabeth Green, John’s weeping widow, started cleaning up the ashes his spontaneous combustion had left behind, and threw the mess in a garbage can. Then she peed and vomited on the floor.

Wolfram turned away from the game. “I tire of this silliness,” he said. “Are there other games?”

Murata’s eyes lit up with a mischievous glint. “Yes, as a matter of fact, Shibuya’s brother has a lot of simulation games you might like.”

“Murata! You’re not talking about Shouri’s dating sims are you?”

“Dating sims?”

“Yes I am.” Murata pulled out a brightly covered box and waved it in front of Wolfram’s face. “Look, Lord von Blielfeld, you can practice your dating skills with this game. And one of the heroines you can date is named Yuri.”

“What? How is she a girl then?” Wolfram asked suspiciously. 

“Yuri, not Yuuri,” Murata emphasized the slight difference. “Yuri is a popular girl’s name. And it also happens to mean-”

“He doesn’t need to know that!” Yuuri interrupted. Under his breath he mumbled, _“Conrad, why? Of all the names…”_

“And look,” Murata held up the box. “She even kind of looks like you, Shibuya.”

Yuuri stared at Murata open mouthed for a moment before processing the information. “Oh, ewww, Murata, I’m going to bleach my brain now.”

Wolfram remained oblivious to Yuuri’s distress. “Why would I want to date her in this game if I’m engaged to Yuuri?”

“It’s supposed to be practice for the real thing,” Murata explained with a wink.

Wolfram grabbed the box from Murata. And he spent the remainder of the afternoon loudly yelling at the Yuri on the computer screen.

**To Be Continued….**


	6. The Enlightenment

After the passing of a long morose time,

His Majesty's imminent return draws near.

Oh ring the bell, sound the chime,

Gather the townsfolk in the square,

Let no basin, washroom, fountain or latrine,

Go unwatched, in anticipation of the glorious,

Majestic return, of His Majesty, the Demon King!

- _The Jubilation of Günter_ from _His Royal Majesty King Yuuri Shibuya, 27_ _th_ _Maou of Shin Makoku Shines like the Sun Even when he Leaves His Most Faithful Servant Behind Once Again_ by Günter von Kleist.

* * *

Günter paused after writing a particularly well crafted line in his work. "Oh Majesty," he whispered to himself. "If only I could write epic poetry that was worthy of your elegance."

Günter placed his quill to the page and-

*KA-BOOM!*

The entire castle shook with the force of the explosion, knocking over Günter's inkwell, and destroying five hours of work. Normally he respected the mad inventor's genius, but this? Now? Everyone knew Lord von Kleist was hard at work, compiling a book of epic poetry for the Maou. She should have the decency to warn him before randomly exploding things. He angrily stood up and marched down to Anissina's lab.

Blue, green, and purple tinged smoke curled through the castle hallways near the infamous Poison Lady's laboratory of horrors, but Günter pushed valiantly through, coughing and choking on the fumes.

"Anissina!" Günter shouted. "Anissina! What is the meaning of this?"

Anissina emerged from the smoke, wearing protective goggles and a gas mask. "Oh, hello Günter. Did you come here to watch the demonstration?"

"Demonstration?"

"Yes, it's for Princess Greta's sleepover."

"Sleepover?" Günter looked down to see a bunch of children, clad in protective goggles, lab coats and miniature gas masks running about the lab. He could identify Renji von Wincott holding a dangerous invention that looked like a weapon, Beatrice was pouring colored liquid down the sink, and…was that Greta hanging from a light fixture?

"Anissina," Günter scolded. "It's irresponsible to explode his Majesty's castle while he is on an important journey. And even more irresponsible to endanger the princess with such crass explosive experiments."

"I'm not endangered, this is fun!" shouted Greta, swinging around on the ceiling and dodging as Renji fired a laser gun at her.

"Okay kids," Anissina said with a maniacal glint in her eye. "Günter volunteered to show us the importance of having a live test subject when studying maryoku."

"Yay!" they chorused.

Günter turned and ran. "Oh Majesty, I've failed you!" he wailed as Renji von Wincott shot him with a laser gun.

* * *

There was one phrase Yuuri had heard often, during the winter months. _Wow, your mom really likes western holidays, doesn't she?_ At first, when he was younger, he thought they were just jealous of the towering tangle of lights that covered his house, or the oversized pine tree stuffed into his living room, or the numerous angel costumes that she would make. But then, as he grew older and more socially conscious, he realized that her obsession was not quite normal. And now Yuuri always faced the approaching holidays with a sense of impending doom, wondering what new way his mother would discover to humiliate him.

At least this year, his friends from Shin Makoku were here to suffer along with him. Strangely enough, it didn't seem like they were suffering. Conrad happily cleaned the entire house until it sparkled as much as Miko's eyes. Piles of exquisitely baked sugar cookies and fruit cakes filled the kitchen. Gwendal sat at the table with a faint blush covering his cheeks as Miko taught him how to make tiny snowmen out of marshmallows.

Suddenly, Miko stood up from the table and shouted, "Let's put up Christmas lights, everyone!"

"Mom," Yuuri protested. "They've already done a lot of work for you."

"It's Mama, Yuu-chan. And stop being such a grinch."

"Nonsense, Shibuya, this is fun," Murata said while dragging an oversized box of Christmas decorations from a storage closet.

"Yes," Conrad agreed while untangling a batch of multi-colored lights. "It's always fun to learn more about Earth culture."

Gwendal made a "Mph." sound, but helped his brother get started with the lights.

Miko picked up the phone and started dialing. "Let's invite José over so it can be more like a party!"

Wolfram marched over and folded his arms. "Yuuri! Get over here and have fun with me and my brothers." He reached down into the box of lights and yanked a tangle of wires and colorful bulbs out.

"Wow, I never thought I'd hear Lord Wolfram say something like that," Murata quipped.

"Murata..." Yuuri groaned.

"Yuuri," Wolfram said insistently, "I can't get these untangled." Wolfram yanked harder on the wires until the glass shattered and crinkled onto the floor.

"Oh geez." Yuuri ran over to help Wolfram. "You're supposed to untangle the wires gently, not pull them and mash the bulbs." Yuuri picked up another bunch of lights to demonstrate. "See?"

"But they won't untangle!" Wolfram raged, mashing the rest of his lights in frustration on the floor.

"Wolf-chan," Miko said, "If you're having trouble untangling the lights, maybe you'd rather make hot chocolate for everyone with me."

Wolfram grumbled, but followed her into the kitchen.

"Oh great. Now we'll all get food poisoning."

"I HEARD THAT, WIMP!"

"Wolfram's cooking isn't that bad," Conrad said as he and Gwendal perfectly strung up a set of lights over the window. "He just needs practice."

"And patience," Gwendal muttered under his breath.

"I HEARD THAT TOO!"

.

Afterwards, they all sat in the living room, drinking hot chocolate.

Conrad smiled. "I think today was a very en-lightening experience."

José laughed, Wolfram frowned, and Yuuri and Murata groaned.

"Yuu-chan," Miko said. "It was so nice that your friends from Shin Makoku could visit during this time of year." Lights covered every possible surface, from the ceiling to the baseboards. "This is the best Christmas ever!"

Shouri slunk down into the room to get some hot chocolate. "My computer keeps freezing up and crashing at random times," he complained.

Murata grinned surreptitiously. "Maybe it's cold, and that's why your computer is freezing."

Wolfram frowned and opened his mouth to speak. "But when that computer a-"

Murata cut him off with a hand over his mouth.

Shouri sipped his hot chocolate and glared at Murata. "I think you know more than you are telling, friend of my brother."

Murata stared back and grinned impishly. "Are you sure you didn't accidentally download a virus, brother of my friend? Some of those adult websites you visit are full of Trojans, and not the kind you buy from the store."

Shouri turned red and spewed out hot chocolate through his nose.

"Sho-chan!" Miko scolded. "Don't play around with your drink, it's disgusting. And stop downloading adult videos onto your computer. It's inappropriate. People will think you want to become a hikiomori."

Shouri scowled and mumbled an apology, before slinking off to his room to sulk.

.

"Oh, I almost forgot something." Miko stood up and ran to the table. "Sho-chan, come get your mail."

Murata sat up and looked tense.

Shouri slunk into the living room once more, and opened the bill. Then he tensed up, and all the color drained from his face. He started imperceptibly shaking.

"Okay guys," Murata said while grabbing Yuuri and Wolfram by the arm and running towards the bathroom. "Who wants to go back to Shin Makoku?"

"Murata, what are you doing?" Yuuri hissed.

"Saving our lives, Shibuya," Murata whispered back. "Your brother just received his credit card bill.

"What did you buy?" Yuuri asked.

"Ask your fiancé."

"…I don't even want to know."

Then Yuuri, Wolfram, Conrad, Murata, Gwendal, Miko and José all jumped into the bathtub just as they heard Shouri's anguished scream of rage.

* * *

**To be continued...**


	7. The Thyme Has Come

Yuuri coughed and sputtered as they all surfaced in the courtyard fountain. Surprisingly there was no one there to greet him.

"I'd offer you a towel," said Conrad, "but since I came with you I'm soaked too."

"I'm surprised Günter isn't here to greet us," Yuuri said after a while.

"Wimp!" Wolfram roared. "Can you only think of others? What about me? I'm all soaking wet too. We should go find a change of clothes."

Just then Celi came out of the castle with Lazania and Effie, who carried armfuls of towels. "Oh Majesty, you've returned. I've brought some towels and a change of clothes for everyone."

"Thanks," Yuuri said as he started drying himself off with a towel. "But, er…uh where're the clothes?"

"Here they are!" Celi shouted while holding up a microscopic pile of …black noble thongs.

"Mother!" Wolfram's face turned red. "I refuse to walk about the castle in underpants. It's indecent."

"They're not underwear, Wolfie," Celi explained. "I redesigned the uniform while you were gone. This," she said, holding up the skimpy black thong, "is now acceptable wear in the castle as an alternative uniform."

"Good thing she didn't do that during the war," Gwendal grumbled under his breath.

"I heard that, Gwennie! And I'm sure the war would have been over much faster if we made our soldiers wear thongs."

"She has a point," said José.

Wolfram looked about ready to explode. "Well, it's still indecent. And I refuse to allow my fiancé to be seen walking around the castle dressed in _that_."

"I can't believe my sons grew up to be such prudes." Celi sighed and a small tear formed at the corner of her eye. "All I want is for you to look beautiful."

Gwendal, Conrad, and Wolfram glanced at each other, then collectively sighed. "Fine mother, we'll wear them."

Celi squealed happily. "Yay! You will? Oh that's wonderful! You've made me so happy! I'm sure you'll like them."

"See, Yuu-chan?" Miko said. "Boys should always listen to their mothers."

"Mom…" Yuuri groaned.

"You're His Majesty's Royal Mother?" Celi squealed while hugging Miko. "How wonderful to finally meet you!"

"But what will I wear?" Miko asked, eyeing the "Noble Underwear."

"Oh, don't worry, I always keep a spare dress around." Celi reached in between her boobs and fished out a skimpy sparkly black dress that resembled a bikini with a side of spaghetti. "Here, you can wear this."

"That's lovely," Miko squealed.

Then they all got changed in the temple and walked towards the castle. Wolfram glared at Yuuri the whole way.

"So where is my grand-daughter?" Miko asked as they entered the castle.

"Anissina had a Science Camp sleep-over for the kids last night," Celi answered. "Maybe they're still in the lab."

"Kids?" asked Yuuri.

"Oh yes. Greta seemed lonely since you all left her, so we invited over Rinji von Wincott and Beatrice to keep her company."

"Yuu-chan! You left your daughter all alone?"

Yuuri scratched his head guiltily. Then Wolfram smacked him.

"Wimp!" he hissed. "How dare you allow a maid to look at you like that."

"That's not a maid, that's Yozak. And I don't think he was looking at Yuuri," José said.

"Yeah," Conrad agreed. "Oh that reminds me, I brought back a present for Yozak this time." He smiled at them all. "I got him some…thyme, since he always complains that I don't spend enough of it with him."

"I'm sure that will spice up your relationship," José quipped.

Yuuri covered his ears. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

"What, Shibuya? I'm sure they meant cooking lessons," Murata said and smirked evilly.

Wolfram gave them all a glare that seemed to say: _there is something perverted going on here, but I'm not sure what it is, but if you keep this nonsense up in front of Greta, the only cooking lesson around here is going to be BBQ_. _Flaming BBQ._

Yozak joined them in full French Maid drag, and they continued on down to Anissina's lab.

The children had woken up (or rather, they'd never fallen asleep in the first place), and were playing "Jump on Günter."

"Papa!" Greta shouted as soon as she saw her fathers, and ran to the doorway of the lab to greet them.

"Greta…I see you've had….fun." Wolfram glanced about the destroyed lab.

"I learned a lot about science." Greta happily waved a color-by-element coloring page for everyone to inspect.

"Oh that's wonderful, dear," Miko said. "Yuu-chan, you're so lucky to have such a smart daughter."

"Yes," Anissina agreed. "She's a regular scientific protégé." Then the inventor turned to Yuuri. "That reminds me, your Majesty, I have a request for funding the construction of a teaching laboratory in the castle, but you still need to sign it."

Gwendal's eyes twitched and he cleared his throat. "I'm sure his Majesty has much better ways to spend-"

"What's that, Gwendal? Are you volunteering to be Greta's first test subject?"

Wolfram smirked, as he saw his opportunity to get revenge on Gwendal, and make his daughter happy at the same time. "I think a scientific education is good for Greta," Wolfram said. "And of course the best way for her to learn, is by emulating Anissina's style with live test subjects. I'm sure you wouldn't refuse such an important learning opportunity to Greta, brother."

"I..uh…" Gwendal blushed and made knitting motions with his hands.

"Yay! That's so nice of you Gwennie," Celi squealed.

Günter was appropriated as test subject number two, for an increased sample size. “We might have enough subjects for a statistically significant sample,” Anissina said brightly. “But that just means we’ll have to run more replications of the experiment.”  
.

After leaving Gwendal, Anissina, Greta, José, and an unconscious Günter in the lab, Wolfram turned to the rest of them. It was present time, or in other words, payback time. "I brought some presents back for you from Earth," he informed them. Then he gave his mother a diamond necklace (that was his revenge on Shouri and Shouri's bank account), a children's book for Greta, and a small package for Yozak.

Yozak ripped the present open. "Matching gothic-loli dresses? You shouldn't have! The commander and I will have so much fun playing dress up together! Uh…Conrad?"

It was a wonderful Christmas for Wolfram. Well, until he heard some squealing and the words:

"Look at this lovely dress I brought for Wolf-chan!"

"Wimp!" Wolfram roared as he ran through the castle hallways. "Come back here and face our mothers too!"

.

**THE END**

**.**

**.**

**.**

* * *

.

.

**A/N:**

Thanks for reading! And special thanks to everyone who put up with my erratic updates. :P I'm thinking of planning a sequel to this, in which the Mazoku crash one of Jose's parties. lol


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